You’re not kidding anybody with those fake New Year’s resolutions.

Happy New Year! New year, new you! Get excited! Get healthy! So much is going to change this year! You’re going to do everything you ever wanted and become the perfect version of a human being! Men will look up to you! Women will look at you! Dogs will sniff you!

2020 is going to be the greatest year in the history of existence and it’s all going to be because of you!

Blah, blah-blah-blah, blah, blah.

Who are you kidding? You have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Your angel is a Spandex-wearing, teetotalling, New Age crap-spewing piece of white bread. And your devil can kick your angel’s butt. Your devil eats devil’s food cake for breakfast. And, so do you. You’re not going to stop eating Hostess cupcakes in 2020. Make peace with it.  

Why not use 2020 to turn yourself into the best possible you that you already are? Embrace who you are. When you date someone and they try to change you, don’t you resent it? So why let yourself change you? Tell that self where they can go.

“I’m going to be more active!” You love the comfort of a recliner and the hypnotic allure of an LED flat screen. Be the best you can be at sitting and watching TV. How many hours can you watch at a time? Six? Eight? C’mon, you can do better than that. Make 2020 the year you binge-watch “Friends” for 118 consecutive hours.

“I’m going to drink less!” Drinking’s not just for social occasions anymore. Try it with breakfast. Those boring bran flakes will seem a little livelier drenched in bourbon. Impress colleagues with how much you can drink in a one-hour lunch. Heck, try it during a one-hour business meeting with an important client. Risk makes you feel alive. (Disclaimer: This advice does not apply to mean drunks.) Be sure to always find a ride home and help the Uber community at the same time.

“I’m going to quit smoking!” Don’t you miss the cool, relaxing drag of a cigarette? Society shamed you into quitting, and you fell for it. Laugh in the surgeon general’s face and light up! You know you want to. You dream of it at night. Hey, it may help you lose weight.

“I’m going to lose weight!” Why be concerned about weight? The average American weighs 437 pounds, according to madeupstatistics.com, so you probably have a long way to go just to be average. Do you want to be just average in 2020? No, 2020 is the year you rise to above average. Wouldn’t you love a patty melt about now? Eat to your heart’s content, or detriment as the case may be. 

“I’m going to exercise more!” Don’t worry about working off the calories, either. Exercise is for suckers. It seems like a lot of work, and isn’t one of your resolutions “I’m going to work less!”? My motto has always been “Never run when you can walk. Or use a scooter. Or crawl or roll. Or remain motionless.”

“I’m going to make my marriage work!” Maybe you need a change at home, too. What better way to make a bold statement in the new year than to dump that spouse who’s become a dull stranger to you for lo these many years. Everybody’s doing it. About 1.99 out of 2 marriages end in divorce. You think you can beat those odds? What are you trying to prove?

“I’m going to spend less!” Are you worried about finances after shaking up the household? Forget about it. Spend your credit card company’s money like a CEO raiding the pension fund. Take that around-the-world trip you’ve always wanted. Buy a boat. A big, freakin’ boat. Or spend it more wisely on fast cars and fast women, or slow cars and slow women or some combination thereof.

YOLO! OMG! LOL! Does that mean anything? Whatever it means, give up, sit down, settle in and make 2020 the Year of You.