OMG! It’s the Hot! Issue! You can tell it’s exciting by all the exclamation points in the stories!
And who better to bring you all the hottest, hippest trends in Lake and Sumter counties than a hot, hip writer who still remembers typewriters (an 1860s invention) and people yelling, “Hot off the press!” (“hot metal” typesetting ended in the 1980s). I always have a finger on the pulse of today’s ever-changing culture! I also keep one finger on my own pulse to make sure I don’t get overstimulated!
Of course, as a highly trained journalist, I know how to research information. I consulted with a group of computer-literate infants to find out what’s “trending” (that’s social media jargon!) First, they told me what year it is. Otherwise, I’d keep using variations of the phrase “Some Like It Hot” (1959 film), our fashion list would include hot pants (1970s style), and I’d tell you that this issue will leave you “feeling hot, hot, hot!” (1987 song).
In fact, if it were up to me, the Hot! List would look like this:
Hot wheels! The hot car to drive this year is my 2009 Honda Accord painted in hot gold with hot gold interior! The four doors make it sexy! Special feature: state-of-2009 technology to play red-hot “compact discs” (created in 1982).
Hot music! Sure, I know a lot of today’s top musical artists: Lil’ This, Lil’ That, Bacardi B, Juice Box, Ariana from “The Little Mermaid,” James Taylor Swift, Chance the Riddler. And I know everyone’s dancing this summer to the “Thong Song” (2000 reference). But the most recent concert I saw was the Who, which formed in 1964 and has been playing on its 50th anniversary tour for five years! Long live rock! (1972 song).
Hot fashion! Whether you’re lying around the house or dozing at the office, you’re sure to find bland, neutral selections for any occasion in the Gerbasi Collection! This well-worn line of clothes literally is older than some Akers staff members (and making fun of people who overuse “literally” peaked in 2012 on “Parks & Recreation”).
Hot technology! Modern communication is defined by my sizzling Tracfone LG flip phone—the LG stands for “long gone.” This phone provides high-fidelity connections on a level just above two cans and a string! No more bulky smartphones or butt-dialing! No worries about data charges because you can’t navigate the internet or take photos on the quarter-inch screen! Special feature: a clock!
Hot sports! It’s the dog days of sports, so if you can’t find a good disc golf match to watch, try the national pastime: baseball! It’s 150 years old and I’ve been watching it for most of those years! Here’s a hot tip for youngsters: You can send and receive 3,500 text messages between each pitch! In fact, Ken Burns’ 18-hour “Baseball” documentary is only slightly longer than an actual game (1994 reference).
Hot hairstyles! DIY all the way! Scissors and a handheld mirror are all you need for that chopped, hot mess style that’s in vogue today. Never pay high salon prices again! Add coloring for that distinguished salt-and-pepper look that takes most people decades to perfect!
Hot food! Fad diets come and go but the No Salt, No Fun diet is here to stay! Restrictions: no processed meats, pizza, sauces, spreads, breads, salad dressings, dairy, cereal, or anything that looks appetizing. Hot diggity dog! (1920s expression).
Hot hangout! Don’t follow the crowd to the new bar with a “Game of Thrones” theme or the trendy restaurant with menu items you can’t pronounce. You’re a big, La-Z-Boy and you know it! (reference to chair company founded in 1927). Stay in, get comfortable, channel-surf, and taunt your friends: “At least I’m not outside!” Nope, you’re home! And don’t forget your…
Hot beverage! Who needs Cajun-flavored vodka or papaya blueberry energy drinks? Nothing’s hotter than ice-cold Rolling Rock, your smooth buzz since 1939. Enjoy the Rock in your hot hangout as you read the new Hot! Issue! You know the one, the issue that’s hot as blazes! (1850s expression).